Right now it is like this.
My last couple posts were transparent about the upheaval of 2016 and my eventual surrender to it. I also finally admitted that, in a way, I asked for this upheaval. I asked for the loss, the grief, the beauty (because this year has also brought such ridiculous beauty), the growing pains, and the uncertainty. When I decided I wanted more, the ever-responsive Universe set about giving me more. Or at least preparing me to receive more.
That preparation is the epicenter. That preparation is the tension so many of us have been feeling this year. That preparation is the liminal space that is neither here nor there. That preparation is our real-time cellular evolution so that we can accept the higher vibrations of everything we're calling in. And that preparation fucking sucks most days.
The preparation to receive everything I've asked for involves allowing the one thing I've been afraid to allow...the depth. I've resisted the depth of how furious I am. The depth of how profoundly he hurt me. The depth of my lack of control. The depth of fear about evolving my business in the way it wants to evolve. The depth of my longing. The depth of my fear that I'll never be enough. The depth of not knowing how to keep it all going. The depth of feeling that I might actually get what I want...and then what? The depth of the chaos. The depth of 2016. The depth of it all.
My resistance finally wore me out.
So I surrender to it now. I'm all in.
The preparation cycle I'm in gets a major upgrade in 10 days when I begin a month-long residential program at The New Life Foundation in Thailand.
I was originally attracted to the Foundation when I ran across a week-long mindfulness retreat they're running in November; but because I don't know how to do anything half way, I'm now moving in for a month. As Deb Linehan, one of their resident life coaches phrased it, "The New Life Foundation is a community in Chiang Rai for people in recovery — from grief, burnout, depression, anxiety, as well as addiction. It’s a place where people come to further their mindfulness practice."
When I signed up many months ago I thought it would be a relaxing, rejuvenating, peaceful meditation retreat with some nice Buddhists in the woods. I'd hold space and witness their work. Cheer them on and maybe I'd learn how to meditate better and stuff. Holy shit, the arrogance. So yeah, about that.
Because The Universe orchestrates all things in perfect timing, I'm now barreling into my month at New Life fresh off the realizations of what 2016 requires of me.
Stop. Full stop.
Releasing all perception of control.
Limitless compassion for the fact that right now it is like this.
Right now it is like this.
I had an intuitive reading this week with Connie Benedict. I want to paraphrase a bit of what she told me because I believe it will help those of you who are also in the space between...
We think we need answers to our questions, but what if we don't? What if we decide that life doesn't need an answer? What if we just feel what is right now?
The questions that arise in the moment are critical, they must rise and be seen, be answered. Instead of jumping forward, stay here. Ask the questions.
Allow grace and alignment to return to you, without any searching.
How does it make you feel to read that? I tear up and feel an intense sense of recognition. My heart races. It's not quite relief, but it's something like "of course."
What if we give up our need for an answer? What if we stop searching for grace, for alignment?
It truthfully terrifies me to think about it that way; but then again, I am the one who decided to spend a month with some nice Buddhists in the woods. Looks like I'll be holding space and witnessing plenty of my own work.