Stop apologizing for who you are (I keep saying to myself).
Kerouac is one of my favorite writers, and this wise gem is one of my favorites of all time. The "...don't be sorry" bit has been an interesting challenge today. I put in my notice at work on 07/01...with today being my actual last day in the office. A lot of people have stopped by to ask me "what's next?!" I've run into many others all over campus asking me the same question.
It's been interesting to watch myself, feeling a bit out of body, talking about the woman who has deconstructed her entire life and booked a one-way flight to Indonesia. It's interesting to watch myself tell some people every detail and then to others I simply give a generic "Thanks for asking. I'm leaving to focus on my health."
What's been interesting to feel as they move through my body are alternating waves of guilt and excitement. Perhaps guilt isn't the word...but some version of apologetic. Very few people at work witnessed the full throttle joy I actually feel. Very few people even know what I'm up to. For some reason, my instinct was to downplay and treat it like it's no big deal. Kerouac would be so disappointed in me.
Because it is a big deal. It's a giant fucking deal. To leave behind a career and a salary at age 34...to leave behind health insurance with an autoimmune disease and busted endocrine system...to sell everything I own and set out solo around the world? Yeah, it's a big deal.
So guess what, I'm challenging myself to lean straight into this adventure with no more apologies. No more downplaying to make other people feel comfortable. No more acting like it's just another trip I'm taking. It's not.
I will live. I will travel. I will adventure. I will bless it all. And I won't be sorry about it.
That, my friends, is the closure I'm taking from my job of 13 years.
P.S. Tell me, where are you playing small? Where in your life are you dimming your light in fear of how that light may affect others? Guess what, love? It's time to let it go. It's safe for you to be you. All of you. It's time.