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I can still smell the red leather...

...and handmade paper. I carried it with me everywhere. I wrote and doodled and wrote some more, cut and pasted and collaged, spilled the secrets both meaningful and mundane. I gave myself infinite permission to live in a candid space, a raw space unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. Or since. I knew when he gave it to me that it was never mine to keep. And while I knew that each page was his, I still let myself relish the poetry that each page also belonged intimately to me. I didn't know what he would choose to do with those pages, but I held a vaguely naive trust that he would take care of them. I still wonder where they ended up. I wonder even today.

It's the pillow talk that haunts me. Of course I remember our laughs, those unexpected moments assigned distinctly to the early days when there were still surprises to learn. I remember our coy flirtations, the sexy entendres spread wide like peacock feathers. I remember the overtly intellectualized conversations and debates about the day's news. I remember all of that in the purely rational space of my head. Those memories take the fuzzy shape of thoughts not quite formed, not quite able to effect me. Yet the memories of our pillow talk effect me beyond my control. I can still feel those conversations in my chest. To this day my knees get weak as my pulse races and I hear his whispers like they were yesterday. It's the pillow talk that haunts me. We wove such colorful dreams.



Our time together was cinematic, musical. Within the catalogue of songs I searched to articulate my muddled mind, nothing felt more appropriate than Rachael Yamagata's Reason Why. Her words are as relevant to our situation as if I had penned them with my own shaky hand, and yet it's the absurd irony that catches in my throat. "You and I know the reason why..." If I knew the reason why, I would no longer feel his beautiful promises aching in my chest, so real to me that I know I could reach in and grab hold of them. If I knew the reason why, I would simply file him away in the plentiful drawer of live-and-learn. I've put him in that drawer many times before, but he always manages to sneak out. I'm done. I've grown weary of trying to contain those memories in a space that they clearly don't belong. Not yet anyway.

I'm sure he's done his best, as I have, to cover the tracks that we left. Even after all is said and done and said again, I do wish him well and hope he's found whatever it was he was looking for. I hope it was worth it.

Reason Why
Rachael Yamagata

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or wherever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

Emotional Vomit.

Soundtrack for the Snow